HI Faith Travelers!
Last week, I mentioned not to miss this week’s blog because it’s near and dear to my heart. Judging by the title you can tell just how dear to my heart it really is. You can also see that God actually gave me the title well in advance versus those eleventh hour revelations and 4 AM all-nighters per usual. That’s just like a loving Father; He knew the kind of reminiscing, processing and healing I would go through as I wrote this post, so He gave me time to rest in Him (See Matthew 11:28) prior to writing. I pray that those who can relate to losing a close loved one are comforted by this post.
This week makes 1 year of me losing the woman who raised me since I was a little girl, the woman who helped to shape my life and the matriarch and glue to our close knit family, my grandmother. Words can’t describe how big a loss this was to our family. Sometimes it still doesn’t seem real but the one thing I can take comfort in is knowing that I will see her again…because I know who she served; Jesus (See Joshua 24:15).
My reaction to the loss of my grandma was one that I couldn’t have expected because I thought when my grandma left this earth, they may have to put me in a padded room…But God. I’ll get to that part shortly though.
This is not your typical grief blog post. In today’s blog, I will share my life experience with my grandmother while she was living, in the midst of losing her and how I managed grief after she had gone to be with the Lord.
When I was young I practically lived with my grandparents. They kept me, fed me, clothed me and made sure I was in church EVERY Sunday. My mom worked full time and was in the Air Force Reserves so when I wasn’t with her or my dad I was with them. I was extremely close to my grandparents. So close that when my grandfather passed away, when I was in high school, I didn’t want my grandmother to be alone so I officially moved in with her. Though I saw my mom and little brother everyday, from the age of 14 through the majority of my college years, it was just me and her until I made the hard decision to transfer from my local university to finish my engineering degree at the main campus in another city. Most of my life’s decisions were centered around not being too far from my grandma. This included how far away I interned, which company I chose to work for after graduation that had locations in nearby states, work rotational assignment choices, and even where I decided to live after my job’s rotational program ended. I settled on a location just a 2 hours drive away from her and my mom since at the time, my mom was dealing with a health issue. I went so far as to pass up work promotions that were outside of close areas because I knew my priorities. I say all of that to say, family and my grandma was a top priority to me next to God.
My grandma was one of the healthiest seniors that I knew. She was up at 4 AM every day walking the neighborhood with a stick like it was her job. She was sharp with a sharp mind and a lot of sass. As the years passed my grandma had bouts with illness, knee replacements and other surgeries but always bounced back. I was there for each one of them. But last year was different…
One thing I have always been clear about was my God given assignment for the season. This particular season God let my husband and I know that we would be going on another mission trip to Peru together, leaving Oct 15th. He also opened the door to the opportunity for us to be co-speakers at the I’m Becoming Fearless Conference 2022 on Oct 8th. But there was one thing wrong…my grandmothers’ health was declining unlike any other time. During that time, I did what any intercessor (See 1 Kings 13:6 NKJV, NIV) would do and I went to war in prayer on my grandmother’s behalf. I was already feeling terrible and even guilty, if I’m being honest, that I wasn’t there with her like usual. Even though I was able to Facetime her, it just wasn’t the same. I wanted to rush up there for the quick 2 hour trip one weekend but God was leading me not to for some reason. I found out shortly after that there was something wrong with my vehicle’s front tire and it could’ve blown out while I was on the highway and only the Lord knows what could’ve happened…But God. This was a prime example of being led by the Spirit and not your flesh (See Galatians 5:16-18). That same weekend, I Facetimed with my grandma and even though I was feeling guilty for not being there, she told me she had a dream about me that I came into her hospital room, gave her her medicine and took care of her. After I got off the phone with her, I wept and thanked God for giving her that dream because only God could hear my hearts’ cry to want to be there for her.
A couple of weekends later towards the end of September, I was able to go see my grandma in person but she was not doing well. I went into the hospital room ready to lay hands on her, go up in tongues and call down fire from heaven for her to be well but in that moment I got a nudge from the Holy Spirit to just be a granddaughter that day. So I fed her as much as she would allow, cut and filed her nails and just talked to her. After leaving and seeing her in the state she was in, I told God please do not make me choose between the God assignments ahead and my grandma. Not that He was asking me to but I told God I couldn’t handle it if I was somewhere out of the country and something happened to her.
When I got home I sought wise counsel (See Proverbs 19: 20) from a trusted friend to understand how I needed to be praying over this entire situation. One thing the individual said to me was to ask the Holy Spirit what my grandma’s will was in all of this. Remember there is God’s will but we also have free will (See John 7:17). God responded to me that it was His will that grandma live to a specific age He mentioned that was beyond her current age. I knew His will always leads to life. I prayed concerning what her will was and God gave me a dream to show me exactly how my grandmother was feeling and the pain she was in. After that, I began to understand what may be ahead.
On a Tuesday morning, I received a call from my aunt telling me my grandmother had a massive heart attack. Doctors found it strange that the monitors showed she had the heart attack but didn’t feel it. The doctors stated she didn’t have much time. I asked my aunt to put her ear to the phone and I whispered some specific things to her the Holy Spirit led me to say, told her we will be fine and that I love her once, I love her twice, I love her next to Jesus Christ. I got off the phone and prayed then found out that she passed 8 minutes after I got off the phone with her.
My grandmother passed away on Oct 4th, 2022. The last thing she said to me when I saw her in person on September 22nd was “I love you once, I love you twice, I love you next to Jesus Christ. You take care of yourself.” While I was saddened after her death, I realized God had given the most beautiful gift, an answered prayer from years ago that He would prepare me before my grandmother left this earth and that I would be able to say “See you later” with no regrets.
My grandmother passed away on the 4th and there was still a God given assignment to fulfill on the 8th. I knew the devil would love for me to abandon my assignment but I was not going to give the enemy any satisfaction to take my grandmother prematurely (See John 10:10)and think I wasn’t going to fight back by fulfilling kingdom business. My husband and I ministered on the topic, This is the beginning of…The New Thing (See Isaiah 43:19). After I walked off the stage, I allowed myself to let go of the tears I had been holding all week in order to stay focused and through those tears I decided to live on serving others as she did when she was alive.
We celebrated my grandmother’s life at her funeral on Oct 14th. On that day I watched 12+ people give their lives to Christ because of how she lived hers. My message to our family was “Don’t die with her, choose to live for her! She has ran her God given race and now it’s time for us to pick up the baton and finish our own race. Keep running!”
The very next day I was on a plane headed on a mission trip to Peru where my husband and I ministered together again and saw countless people get saved, set free and miraculously healed. Again, I didn’t abandon the assignment because I chose to live for my grandmother. This was easier said than done but the way God covered and graced me during this entire time was truly beauty for ashes (See Isaiah 61:3). This was a pure testament of God’s grace is sufficient (See II Corinthians 12:9).
The loss of my grandmother taught me that God hears every prayer no matter big or small, current or past. He hears them. They may not be answered the way we want them to be answered or when we want them answered but He hears them and has a perfect plan that will work together for your good. I learned His grace is sufficient no matter the obstacle or circumstance. And I learned to never abandon the assignment because you don’t know whose life, whose next, or whose purpose is attached to it.
I will leave you all with this. If you are dealing with the loss of a loved one and struggling with grief, remind yourself of the promises of God. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted (Matthew 5:4). May God turn your sadness into joy, your sorrow into praise, and your distress into peace. Death is not final when you are a believer in Jesus Christ. For those who believed in Christ and passed away will be reunited with those believers who are still alive when Jesus returns (I Thessalonians 4:15-18 NLT). Take comfort in knowing that it’s not goodbye but rather see you later.
Until the next faith story…
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