I know it’s been a while but I hope you all have been remaining Faith filled. God has had me focusing on a few different things in the past several months, but I promise you will still see these blog posts as the Holy Spirit leads me to write.
I have noticed that the enemy’s (Satan) tactics in this season include planting seeds of “Doubt” in an attempt to make you forget the promises that God has already made to you in His Word. Promises regarding your health & healing; Promises regarding your peace; Promises regarding your protection; Promises regarding provision, purpose, clarity and so much more.
Recently, I found myself in the midst of a struggle with doubting that God would come through for me regarding a matter. If you’ve been following my blog for a while, you have seen how God has moved in my life and the lives of others in mighty and miraculous ways. So why was I doubting?! One reason is because I’m human and we have to choose and fight daily to keep our minds stayed on Jesus (Isaiah 26:3), while remembering the benefits (Psalms 103: 2-3) of our salvation through Jesus Christ. If or when doubt tries to creep in, there’s no time for self condemnation (Romans 8:1); so if this happens, just refocus and remind yourself of what God says about you and your situation.
In the midst of my struggle with doubt, God whispered the scripture 2Corinthians 1:20 to me. “For all the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen, to the glory of God through us.” Immediately, my thoughts were flooded with the promises of God from His Word.
” For all the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen, to the glory of God through us.”
2 Corinthians 1:20 NKJV
Let’s break down what this means…
The word “Yes” is a confirmation or an affirmative response.
The word “Amen” means “so be it”, meaning “certainly” or “it is so”.
Therefore when you think of any promise written in God’s word it is already Confirmed, Yes, through Jesus Christ and we therefore say “Amen” to God, as a reference that “it is so” and “certain”, for His glory.
For those of you in the midst of a storm that has you doubting God’s ability to do the impossible, here’s a reminder of His promises that are Yes and Amen.
YES, No weapon formed against you shall prosper, AMEN.
Isaiah 54:17
YES, All things work together for The good of those who love the Lord and are called to His purpose, AMEN.
Romans 8:28
YES, weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning, AMEN.
Psalm 30:5
YES, By Jesus stripes we are healed, AMEN.
Isaiah 53:5
YES, God is able to do exceedingly,abundantly above all we can ask or imagine, AMEN.
Ephesians 3:20
YES, you shall not die, but live to declare the works of the Lord, AMEN.
Psalms 118:17
YES, A thousand may fall at your side and ten thousand at your right hand but it shall NOT come near you, AMEN.
Psalms 91:7
YES, No evil shall befall you, nor shall any plague come near your dwelling, AMEN.
Psalms 91:10
YES, God has given you authority to trample on serpents and scorpions, and over ALL the power of the enemy (satan) and nothing shall by any means hurt you, AMEN.
Luke 10:19
YES, for God knows the thoughts that He thinks towards us, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope, AMEN.
Jeremiah 29:11
YES, for with God nothing will be impossible, AMEN.
Luke 1:37
Meditate on these promises, remind yourself who you are in Christ Jesus and never forget God’s promises are true.
Until the next faith message…
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I know it’s been a few weeks since you have heard from me. I was away getting much needed rest and resting in God to understand what He is requiring of me in this new year. I hope this new year/season is treating you well and many of you are sticking to the declarations and promises that you made at the start of 2024. Not out of superstition, ritual or routine but out of sheer desire to do what’s needed to walk into the fullness of the new thing that God has for you in 2024, even in spite of what may be going on around you.
I want to start today’s testimony by talking about how a New Years’ promise to myself and God, going into 2018, freed me from years of hurt, resentment and unforgiveness due to a father wound.
Some of us are fortunate to grow up in loving two parent households, some of us single parent households and some of us not so loving two parent homes. My family structure growing up was a little different. My parents were high school sweethearts who got married when I was 4 and divorced when I was 6, with good reason from my observation. I think I may have been the only young kid that would say their parents didn’t need to be together. This meant for most of my childhood I spent doing frequent to infrequent visits to my dad’s house. It started out great until it wasn’t.
I started out spending alot of time with my dad as he watched me while my mom was away on airforce reserve duty. We took plenty of trips to the park, the fair, and shared loving moments at home of me and him dancing while I stood on his feet.
Things started to shift from ages 9 to 25 when I started to feel abandoned by the person who was always supposed to love and protect me. My dad remarried and the visits became far and few in between. My dad’s wife, at the time, even told me I needed to spend more time with my dad. Which made no sense to me at the time because I was only 9 and always available for him to make the 10 min drive to pick me up from my mom’s house. Years later my dad divorced and remarried a third time. The distance only got worse. My then 2nd stepmother, had 4 children coming into the marriage so as time went the overwhelming feeling and evidence of being replaced with his new family started to rise while I strived to feel included in the new family structure.
Once I was old enough to drive and could borrow the car from my mom, I would drive over to spend time with my dad and his family. I watched the interactions with him and his stepdaughters and stepson and it was evident that they were getting a father figure that I hadn’t had the pleasure of being acquainted with. It was crushing to sit back and watch my dad be a father to others while I strived to be significant in his life. I started buying him and everyone gifts in hopes that it would help them see me more, like me more or even invite me over more often. I was promised that they would give me a key to the house so I could come over between classes and that when they got another house there would be a room for me but that never happened. Broken promise after broken promise occurred.
There was a moment when I had issues with my car and couldn’t take it outside of city limits and was limited to school, work and home. I told my dad and he offered to talk to his friend to get it fixed. That never happened. I was later told by my dad that my stepmother said I only called when I needed something. I wasn’t upset that she said it. I was more upset that he seemed to believe it. This all happened while my stepsister was receiving her first vehicle, they purchased for her.
In my senior year of high school, things got expensive. There were senior dues, senior pictures, the band ball, senior prom, running for prom queen, senior trip, senior dinner and all the things that required money. Myself and my mom’s financial position wasn’t in the necessary shape to support all that I had going on but we made it work the best way possible. My step mom made my band ball dress and my Junior prom dress the year before so she wasn’t all bad, in case you were thinking that. There was a senior dinner coming up and we were asked to invite our parents and present them with a gift. I’d gotten my mom a gift and my dad a crystal sculpture with an image of a father and daughter inside of it. We received two tickets so I told my dad about it and he told me he would come. The evening of the dinner my mom and I were sitting across from each other and my dad’s seat was next to me. I saw my dad in the entryway of the event hall signing in and said to myself “He came!”. My friend that knew the issues I’d had with my dad smiled at me as I wore the excitement on my face. He seemed to be standing at the check in a little too long so I went to see if there was an issue. He’d brought my step mother, which was fine, but didn’t understand why there wasn’t a ticket for her. I told him I only received 2 tickets for him and my mom but it wasn’t a problem because it was a nominal fee for additional people which I believe was $8 at the time. They said okay and I went back to my seat glad that all seemed resolved, yet it wasn’t. I sat down and after a few minutes I looked in the entryway and saw my dad leaving. I went back up to the check in area and looked outside only to see my dad and stepmom driving away. I wanted to be optimistic and think that they were coming back but they didn’t. I went to the ladies room, where my friend met me, and I cried the tears that hurt so badly to shed. My friends gave me a pep talk and we went back out to enjoy the dinner with her parents and my mom. It’s safe to say I took the gift I got for him back to the store. I didn’t address it then or even for several years with my dad about why he left that night. I was too afraid that it would validate my thoughts and feelings of him abandoning me on my senior night over $8.
A similar event happened several years later when I was graduating from college with my engineering degree and my stepmom called me and said my dad wouldn’t be coming to my graduation because my stepbrother’s boot camp graduation was that same weekend. I didn’t react, I was hurt but told her “okay I understand”. I didn’t keep my hopes up regarding my dad much after high school. To my surprise, my dad actually came through and made it to my graduation and I got to see him briefly afterwards before we were all supposed to head to my joint graduation party at a friend’s house. We were caravanning to the location in multiple cars. My mom was behind me and my dad behind her. I recall some reroutes along the way but we were all tailing each other to get there. Once we got to the location I noticed my dad didn’t pull up to the house. I thought something was wrong and was concerned. I later found out that he decided to drive to see a friend near the area and then back to Savannah from Atlanta because he said he couldn’t keep up with the traffic. I told him he could’ve called and we would have navigated him here but that was after the fact and another moment in time that I had been disappointed and left to feel like an afterthought to him in my mind. This was the introduction of what I had come to know as Father Wounds.
From the age of 15 to 30, looking back, I realized the effects of the father wounds and how they showed up in different aspects of my life. It started with me positioning myself to never need anyone’s help for the fear of being let down. That resulted in me working 5 jobs at one time while in college. I worked at a men’s clothing store, Best Buy, the campus bookstore, in the campus athletic department and I had my own tutoring service on the weekdays as well. The effects didn’t end here. They show up as people pleasing and a lack of boundaries with people in hopes for them to like me. The worse part was that it showed up in my dating relationships and lack of discernment on choosing a partner who God would choose for me. Because of this I ended up in several cheating, toxic and abusive(physical and verbal) relationships. A few of these relationships took years to heal from the mental, emotional and physical traumatic toll it had on me. When I look back on it, I ask myself, why did I allow this? Because I didn’t have a male standard to go off of. I didn’t have someone telling me “No, he’s not the right one for you”. And I didn’t have the father figure, like some of my friends had, teaching me to not entertain just any guy that crosses my path. This was until I met someone that changed everything for me.
That someone I met was God. I know it sounds cliche but hear me out. When I received salvation through accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, I looked at God as my Lord and Master. Someone to give me orders and instructions for my good as I navigated life. As I grew in my relationship with God, after the last toxic heartbreak, I began to not only see God as Lord but I started to see Him as My Father, someone relentlessly loving me out of every hurt and pain I’d ever experienced, someone who was always there in the ups and the downs, and someone there to make sure I am always safe and protected. God took me on a journey of restoration changing me from the inside out. He erased every disappointment and replaced them with His faithfulness. He fulfilled His promise in Psalms 68:5(See Below) and showed me the father I needed and always wanted.
“Father to the fatherless, defender of widows— this is God, whose dwelling is holy.”
Psalms 68:5 NLT
Though I’d had so many disappointments from my dad, God shared with me that my dad couldn’t give me something that he himself didn’t receive from his own father. God showed me how to love and forgive my dad despite the past. I was reminded of the scripture Mark 11:25 which says, “And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.” I realized the unforgiveness was hurting me more than anything. My husband says it best, unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick or die. I needed to make a decision to let go.
“And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your [own] failings and shortcomings and let them drop.”
Mark 11:25 AMPC
That year, in 2017, I had been working on a letter to send to my dad but I couldn’t quite finish because I don’t think I was ready to share my thoughts the way God needed me to share them, speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15 NKJV). It wasn’t until December 31st, 2017 that I ‘d made up my mind that I would no longer be bound by the hurts, pains, resentment and unforgiveness of my past. I wrote a letter sharing my heart with my dad and letting him know that I would no longer harbor the events of the past because I was choosing forgiveness. In the midst of this, God told me something that pierced my heart in a different way regarding not just my dad but people in general. He said to me, “He’s a man and man can fail you but I’m your Father and I will never fail. That was the moment I decided to no longer put my trust in man but in God alone.
Letter to my Dad mailed December 31st, 2017; choosing forgiveness and God’s healing
On December 31st, 2017, New Years Eve, I not only forgave but I received a new found freedom that didn’t come in response from my dad at the receipt of the letter, it came when I made the decision to let go and let God. My dad never responded to the letter nor spoke of it. In fact I didn’t know he still had it until I asked in 2021. It didn’t bother me one bit because I’d left all of that hurt at the feet of Jesus on the last day of 2017. It also didn’t bother me because a few months into 2018, after I sent the letter, God showed me how He would use my dad in such a way that showed me though I can’t physically see or touch God, He can do more for me than any man can. In 2018, I healed, I found freedom, I grew closer to my dad, I discovered my purpose, I met my husband and so much more. It’s amazing what one decision to forgive did.
Until the next testimony…
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In light of the Thanksgiving Holiday celebrated in the United States this week, I pray this week has been filled with gratitude and thankfulness for you and your families. For some that has been your sentiments, but for others there has also been a wave of emotions of loneliness, grief and sadness. This is all too common for those who have dealt with the loss of a loved one and those who are in a place where they feel lonely during the holidays even without loss. You may feel hurt, sad, lonely, angry, confused, or even lost in the midst of the flood of emotions but it’s okay. I know that sounds kind of weird coming from a Christian blogger but I am here to tell you there is nowhere in the Bible that tells you to keep your emotions of grief bottled up. In fact, the Bible tells us in Matthew 5:4; “Blessed are those who mourn, For they shall be comforted.” In the midst of the emotions and the thoughts that take us to that unwanted place, we have to realize that it’s okay not to be okay, but we just can’t stay there.
“Blessed are those who mourn, For they shall be comforted.”
Matthew 5:4
It is normal to grieve loved ones who are no longer with us. It is normal to feel a certain way when we are attempting to celebrate a holiday that was once filled with their presence yet now it is not. Remembering the words they uttered when you saw them, the chair they once sat in, the meals they once cooked and even the warmth they made you feel just from being around them can all be a lot to process. It is okay to mourn the loss of that loved one and the very essence of who that person was to you. We just can’t stay there because when our emotions begin to lead over our God given spirit it leaves a foothold to the devil. The enemy would love to take any attempt to bring you down deeper into a state of mind that you once had control over but is now flooded with consuming thoughts taking you into a hole you can’t dig yourself out of. The Bible says in I Peter 5: 8, “Be sober, be vigilant: because your adversary the devil walks around like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” Therefore recognize when you have those moments, understand you are human and its okay for you to not be okay in those moments, then proceed to ask Jesus to help you stand on His word in faith and receive His perfect peace (Isaiah 26:3-4). This is better described in I Peter 5:9-10 where it states “Resist him(the devil), steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. 10 But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.
8 Be sober, be vigilant: because your adversary the devil walks around like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour 9 Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. 10 But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.
I Peter 5:8-10 NKJV
After you have suffered in the things you are going through, whether that is grief, sadness, loneliness, confusion, depression, physical pain or anything else not God given, God will perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. God will perfect meaning He will mend and restore what has been broken. He will establish meaning God will stabilize and render your mind constant. He will strengthen meaning God will make your soul strong. He will settle meaning God will lay the foundation and ground you there. God will do the work for you, you just have to trust Him and surrender the burden to Him.
For those who are having a difficult time this Holiday season here is a prayer for you to pray over yourself:
Father God in the name of Jesus, thank you for being Lord over all, not just in my high moments but also in my low moments. Thank you for Your love to comfort me in the midst of mourning and for Your perfect peace that surpasses all understanding as I keep my thoughts stayed on you. Thank you Lord for helping me to understand in my heart that as believers my loved ones may be absent from the body but are now present with You Lord and I will see them again. I thank you that my faith and trust are anchored in You and Your power at work in my life. I decree and declare I am more than a conqueror and the devil remains a defeated foe in my life. I decree and declare even in the midst of grief, You are perfecting, establishing, strengthening and settling me in Christ Jesus. And I thank you that I can forever live from a place of peace. In Jesus’ Name, Amen!
Until the next time…
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Last week, I mentioned not to miss this week’s blog because it’s near and dear to my heart. Judging by the title you can tell just how dear to my heart it really is. You can also see that God actually gave me the title well in advance versus those eleventh hour revelations and 4 AM all-nighters per usual. That’s just like a loving Father; He knew the kind of reminiscing, processing and healing I would go through as I wrote this post, so He gave me time to rest in Him (See Matthew 11:28) prior to writing. I pray that those who can relate to losing a close loved one are comforted by this post.
This week makes 1 year of me losing the woman who raised me since I was a little girl, the woman who helped to shape my life and the matriarch and glue to our close knit family, my grandmother. Words can’t describe how big a loss this was to our family. Sometimes it still doesn’t seem real but the one thing I can take comfort in is knowing that I will see her again…because I know who she served; Jesus (See Joshua 24:15).
My reaction to the loss of my grandma was one that I couldn’t have expected because I thought when my grandma left this earth, they may have to put me in a padded room…But God. I’ll get to that part shortly though.
This is not your typical grief blog post. In today’s blog, I will share my life experience with my grandmother while she was living, in the midst of losing her and how I managed grief after she had gone to be with the Lord.
When I was young I practically lived with my grandparents. They kept me, fed me, clothed me and made sure I was in church EVERY Sunday. My mom worked full time and was in the Air Force Reserves so when I wasn’t with her or my dad I was with them. I was extremely close to my grandparents. So close that when my grandfather passed away, when I was in high school, I didn’t want my grandmother to be alone so I officially moved in with her. Though I saw my mom and little brother everyday, from the age of 14 through the majority of my college years, it was just me and her until I made the hard decision to transfer from my local university to finish my engineering degree at the main campus in another city. Most of my life’s decisions were centered around not being too far from my grandma. This included how far away I interned, which company I chose to work for after graduation that had locations in nearby states, work rotational assignment choices, and even where I decided to live after my job’s rotational program ended. I settled on a location just a 2 hours drive away from her and my mom since at the time, my mom was dealing with a health issue. I went so far as to pass up work promotions that were outside of close areas because I knew my priorities. I say all of that to say, family and my grandma was a top priority to me next to God.
Always by her side… Me and Grandma Circa 2016
My grandma was one of the healthiest seniors that I knew. She was up at 4 AM every day walking the neighborhood with a stick like it was her job. She was sharp with a sharp mind and a lot of sass. As the years passed my grandma had bouts with illness, knee replacements and other surgeries but always bounced back. I was there for each one of them. But last year was different…
One thing I have always been clear about was my God given assignment for the season. This particular season God let my husband and I know that we would be going on another mission trip to Peru together, leaving Oct 15th. He also opened the door to the opportunity for us to be co-speakers at the I’m Becoming Fearless Conference 2022 on Oct 8th. But there was one thing wrong…my grandmothers’ health was declining unlike any other time. During that time, I did what any intercessor (See 1 Kings 13:6 NKJV, NIV) would do and I went to war in prayer on my grandmother’s behalf. I was already feeling terrible and even guilty, if I’m being honest, that I wasn’t there with her like usual. Even though I was able to Facetime her, it just wasn’t the same. I wanted to rush up there for the quick 2 hour trip one weekend but God was leading me not to for some reason. I found out shortly after that there was something wrong with my vehicle’s front tire and it could’ve blown out while I was on the highway and only the Lord knows what could’ve happened…But God. This was a prime example of being led by the Spirit and not your flesh (See Galatians 5:16-18). That same weekend, I Facetimed with my grandma and even though I was feeling guilty for not being there, she told me she had a dream about me that I came into her hospital room, gave her her medicine and took care of her. After I got off the phone with her, I wept and thanked God for giving her that dream because only God could hear my hearts’ cry to want to be there for her.
A couple of weekends later towards the end of September, I was able to go see my grandma in person but she was not doing well. I went into the hospital room ready to lay hands on her, go up in tongues and call down fire from heaven for her to be well but in that moment I got a nudge from the Holy Spirit to just be a granddaughter that day. So I fed her as much as she would allow, cut and filed her nails and just talked to her. After leaving and seeing her in the state she was in, I told God please do not make me choose between the God assignments ahead and my grandma. Not that He was asking me to but I told God I couldn’t handle it if I was somewhere out of the country and something happened to her.
When I got home I sought wise counsel (See Proverbs 19: 20) from a trusted friend to understand how I needed to be praying over this entire situation. One thing the individual said to me was to ask the Holy Spirit what my grandma’s will was in all of this. Remember there is God’s will but we also have free will (See John 7:17). God responded to me that it was His will that grandma live to a specific age He mentioned that was beyond her current age. I knew His will always leads to life. I prayed concerning what her will was and God gave me a dream to show me exactly how my grandmother was feeling and the pain she was in. After that, I began to understand what may be ahead.
On a Tuesday morning, I received a call from my aunt telling me my grandmother had a massive heart attack. Doctors found it strange that the monitors showed she had the heart attack but didn’t feel it. The doctors stated she didn’t have much time. I asked my aunt to put her ear to the phone and I whispered some specific things to her the Holy Spirit led me to say, told her we will be fine and that I love her once, I love her twice, I love her next to Jesus Christ. I got off the phone and prayed then found out that she passed 8 minutes after I got off the phone with her.
My grandmother passed away on Oct 4th, 2022. The last thing she said to me when I saw her in person on September 22nd was “I love you once, I love you twice, I love you next to Jesus Christ. You take care of yourself.” While I was saddened after her death, I realized God had given the most beautiful gift, an answered prayer from years ago that He would prepare me before my grandmother left this earth and that I would be able to say “See you later” with no regrets.
My grandmother passed away on the 4th and there was still a God given assignment to fulfill on the 8th. I knew the devil would love for me to abandon my assignment but I was not going to give the enemy any satisfaction to take my grandmother prematurely (See John 10:10)and think I wasn’t going to fight back by fulfilling kingdom business. My husband and I ministered on the topic, This is the beginning of…The New Thing (See Isaiah 43:19). After I walked off the stage, I allowed myself to let go of the tears I had been holding all week in order to stay focused and through those tears I decided to live on serving others as she did when she was alive.
I’m Becoming Fearless Conference 2022
We celebrated my grandmother’s life at her funeral on Oct 14th. On that day I watched 12+ people give their lives to Christ because of how she lived hers. My message to our family was “Don’t die with her, choose to live for her! She has ran her God given race and now it’s time for us to pick up the baton and finish our own race. Keep running!”
Peru Mission 2022
The very next day I was on a plane headed on a mission trip to Peru where my husband and I ministered together again and saw countless people get saved, set free and miraculously healed. Again, I didn’t abandon the assignment because I chose to live for my grandmother. This was easier said than done but the way God covered and graced me during this entire time was truly beauty for ashes (See Isaiah 61:3). This was a pure testament of God’s grace is sufficient (See II Corinthians 12:9).
The loss of my grandmother taught me that God hears every prayer no matter big or small, current or past. He hears them. They may not be answered the way we want them to be answered or when we want them answered but He hears them and has a perfect plan that will work together for your good. I learned His grace is sufficient no matter the obstacle or circumstance. And I learned to never abandon the assignment because you don’t know whose life, whose next, or whose purpose is attached to it.
I will leave you all with this. If you are dealing with the loss of a loved one and struggling with grief, remind yourself of the promises of God. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted (Matthew 5:4). May God turn your sadness into joy, your sorrow into praise, and your distress into peace. Death is not final when you are a believer in Jesus Christ. For those who believed in Christ and passed away will be reunited with those believers who are still alive when Jesus returns (I Thessalonians 4:15-18 NLT). Take comfort in knowing that it’s not goodbye but rather see you later.
Until the next faith story…
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The Faith Travels 