Hi Faith Travelers and Happy New Year!
I know it’s been a few weeks since you have heard from me. I was away getting much needed rest and resting in God to understand what He is requiring of me in this new year. I hope this new year/season is treating you well and many of you are sticking to the declarations and promises that you made at the start of 2024. Not out of superstition, ritual or routine but out of sheer desire to do what’s needed to walk into the fullness of the new thing that God has for you in 2024, even in spite of what may be going on around you.
I want to start today’s testimony by talking about how a New Years’ promise to myself and God, going into 2018, freed me from years of hurt, resentment and unforgiveness due to a father wound.
Some of us are fortunate to grow up in loving two parent households, some of us single parent households and some of us not so loving two parent homes. My family structure growing up was a little different. My parents were high school sweethearts who got married when I was 4 and divorced when I was 6, with good reason from my observation. I think I may have been the only young kid that would say their parents didn’t need to be together. This meant for most of my childhood I spent doing frequent to infrequent visits to my dad’s house. It started out great until it wasn’t.
I started out spending alot of time with my dad as he watched me while my mom was away on airforce reserve duty. We took plenty of trips to the park, the fair, and shared loving moments at home of me and him dancing while I stood on his feet.
Things started to shift from ages 9 to 25 when I started to feel abandoned by the person who was always supposed to love and protect me. My dad remarried and the visits became far and few in between. My dad’s wife, at the time, even told me I needed to spend more time with my dad. Which made no sense to me at the time because I was only 9 and always available for him to make the 10 min drive to pick me up from my mom’s house. Years later my dad divorced and remarried a third time. The distance only got worse. My then 2nd stepmother, had 4 children coming into the marriage so as time went the overwhelming feeling and evidence of being replaced with his new family started to rise while I strived to feel included in the new family structure.
Once I was old enough to drive and could borrow the car from my mom, I would drive over to spend time with my dad and his family. I watched the interactions with him and his stepdaughters and stepson and it was evident that they were getting a father figure that I hadn’t had the pleasure of being acquainted with. It was crushing to sit back and watch my dad be a father to others while I strived to be significant in his life. I started buying him and everyone gifts in hopes that it would help them see me more, like me more or even invite me over more often. I was promised that they would give me a key to the house so I could come over between classes and that when they got another house there would be a room for me but that never happened. Broken promise after broken promise occurred.
There was a moment when I had issues with my car and couldn’t take it outside of city limits and was limited to school, work and home. I told my dad and he offered to talk to his friend to get it fixed. That never happened. I was later told by my dad that my stepmother said I only called when I needed something. I wasn’t upset that she said it. I was more upset that he seemed to believe it. This all happened while my stepsister was receiving her first vehicle, they purchased for her.
In my senior year of high school, things got expensive. There were senior dues, senior pictures, the band ball, senior prom, running for prom queen, senior trip, senior dinner and all the things that required money. Myself and my mom’s financial position wasn’t in the necessary shape to support all that I had going on but we made it work the best way possible. My step mom made my band ball dress and my Junior prom dress the year before so she wasn’t all bad, in case you were thinking that. There was a senior dinner coming up and we were asked to invite our parents and present them with a gift. I’d gotten my mom a gift and my dad a crystal sculpture with an image of a father and daughter inside of it. We received two tickets so I told my dad about it and he told me he would come. The evening of the dinner my mom and I were sitting across from each other and my dad’s seat was next to me. I saw my dad in the entryway of the event hall signing in and said to myself “He came!”. My friend that knew the issues I’d had with my dad smiled at me as I wore the excitement on my face. He seemed to be standing at the check in a little too long so I went to see if there was an issue. He’d brought my step mother, which was fine, but didn’t understand why there wasn’t a ticket for her. I told him I only received 2 tickets for him and my mom but it wasn’t a problem because it was a nominal fee for additional people which I believe was $8 at the time. They said okay and I went back to my seat glad that all seemed resolved, yet it wasn’t. I sat down and after a few minutes I looked in the entryway and saw my dad leaving. I went back up to the check in area and looked outside only to see my dad and stepmom driving away. I wanted to be optimistic and think that they were coming back but they didn’t. I went to the ladies room, where my friend met me, and I cried the tears that hurt so badly to shed. My friends gave me a pep talk and we went back out to enjoy the dinner with her parents and my mom. It’s safe to say I took the gift I got for him back to the store. I didn’t address it then or even for several years with my dad about why he left that night. I was too afraid that it would validate my thoughts and feelings of him abandoning me on my senior night over $8.
A similar event happened several years later when I was graduating from college with my engineering degree and my stepmom called me and said my dad wouldn’t be coming to my graduation because my stepbrother’s boot camp graduation was that same weekend. I didn’t react, I was hurt but told her “okay I understand”. I didn’t keep my hopes up regarding my dad much after high school. To my surprise, my dad actually came through and made it to my graduation and I got to see him briefly afterwards before we were all supposed to head to my joint graduation party at a friend’s house. We were caravanning to the location in multiple cars. My mom was behind me and my dad behind her. I recall some reroutes along the way but we were all tailing each other to get there. Once we got to the location I noticed my dad didn’t pull up to the house. I thought something was wrong and was concerned. I later found out that he decided to drive to see a friend near the area and then back to Savannah from Atlanta because he said he couldn’t keep up with the traffic. I told him he could’ve called and we would have navigated him here but that was after the fact and another moment in time that I had been disappointed and left to feel like an afterthought to him in my mind. This was the introduction of what I had come to know as Father Wounds.
From the age of 15 to 30, looking back, I realized the effects of the father wounds and how they showed up in different aspects of my life. It started with me positioning myself to never need anyone’s help for the fear of being let down. That resulted in me working 5 jobs at one time while in college. I worked at a men’s clothing store, Best Buy, the campus bookstore, in the campus athletic department and I had my own tutoring service on the weekdays as well. The effects didn’t end here. They show up as people pleasing and a lack of boundaries with people in hopes for them to like me. The worse part was that it showed up in my dating relationships and lack of discernment on choosing a partner who God would choose for me. Because of this I ended up in several cheating, toxic and abusive(physical and verbal) relationships. A few of these relationships took years to heal from the mental, emotional and physical traumatic toll it had on me. When I look back on it, I ask myself, why did I allow this? Because I didn’t have a male standard to go off of. I didn’t have someone telling me “No, he’s not the right one for you”. And I didn’t have the father figure, like some of my friends had, teaching me to not entertain just any guy that crosses my path. This was until I met someone that changed everything for me.
That someone I met was God. I know it sounds cliche but hear me out. When I received salvation through accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, I looked at God as my Lord and Master. Someone to give me orders and instructions for my good as I navigated life. As I grew in my relationship with God, after the last toxic heartbreak, I began to not only see God as Lord but I started to see Him as My Father, someone relentlessly loving me out of every hurt and pain I’d ever experienced, someone who was always there in the ups and the downs, and someone there to make sure I am always safe and protected. God took me on a journey of restoration changing me from the inside out. He erased every disappointment and replaced them with His faithfulness. He fulfilled His promise in Psalms 68:5(See Below) and showed me the father I needed and always wanted.
“Father to the fatherless, defender of widows— this is God, whose dwelling is holy.”
Psalms 68:5 NLT
Though I’d had so many disappointments from my dad, God shared with me that my dad couldn’t give me something that he himself didn’t receive from his own father. God showed me how to love and forgive my dad despite the past. I was reminded of the scripture Mark 11:25 which says, “And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.” I realized the unforgiveness was hurting me more than anything. My husband says it best, unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick or die. I needed to make a decision to let go.
“And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your [own] failings and shortcomings and let them drop.”
Mark 11:25 AMPC
That year, in 2017, I had been working on a letter to send to my dad but I couldn’t quite finish because I don’t think I was ready to share my thoughts the way God needed me to share them, speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15 NKJV). It wasn’t until December 31st, 2017 that I ‘d made up my mind that I would no longer be bound by the hurts, pains, resentment and unforgiveness of my past. I wrote a letter sharing my heart with my dad and letting him know that I would no longer harbor the events of the past because I was choosing forgiveness. In the midst of this, God told me something that pierced my heart in a different way regarding not just my dad but people in general. He said to me, “He’s a man and man can fail you but I’m your Father and I will never fail. That was the moment I decided to no longer put my trust in man but in God alone.
On December 31st, 2017, New Years Eve, I not only forgave but I received a new found freedom that didn’t come in response from my dad at the receipt of the letter, it came when I made the decision to let go and let God. My dad never responded to the letter nor spoke of it. In fact I didn’t know he still had it until I asked in 2021. It didn’t bother me one bit because I’d left all of that hurt at the feet of Jesus on the last day of 2017. It also didn’t bother me because a few months into 2018, after I sent the letter, God showed me how He would use my dad in such a way that showed me though I can’t physically see or touch God, He can do more for me than any man can. In 2018, I healed, I found freedom, I grew closer to my dad, I discovered my purpose, I met my husband and so much more. It’s amazing what one decision to forgive did.
Until the next testimony…
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